


Two Point Hospital: The Patient Files

by Darkwolves602



Category: Two Point Hospital
Genre: Funny, Gen, Humour, Medical, Original Character(s), Patient files
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27436279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkwolves602/pseuds/Darkwolves602
Summary: Doctor / Patient confidentiality is a sacred trust which may only be disclosed in the interests of patient care or public safety. Or if the Doctor has had a few too many to drink at a party or left their laptop on a train.
Kudos: 3





	Two Point Hospital: The Patient Files

TPH-PAT-17E9

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr. Adam Cummings

Patient: Mr Simon Trant

Abstract: Patient presents dry cough expelling thick black smoke. Non-smoker. No history of respiratory illness.

Diagnosis: NFS

Treatment: Throat Lozenge, PRATBO

END OF REPORT

NFS - Normal for Smogley

PRATBO - Patient reassured and told to bugger off

TPH-PAT-49H2

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Simon Sharpe

Patient: Mr Lewis Simpson

Abstract: Patient displays variety of symptoms (Spasms, Drooling, Excessive sweating, Irritability, Rasping breath, Irregular heartbeat, Uncontrolled urination, Chronic Flatulence).

Referred for further diagnosis (General Diagnosis, Cardio, Fluid Analysis, DNA Lab, X-ray, M.E.G.A Scan).

Diagnosis: Inconclusive. SEFB.

Treatment: Referred to Pharmacy, TEETH.

END OF REPORT

SEFB- Strange Even for Blighton

TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy

TPH-PAT-56U7

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Adrian Small

Patient: Mrs Diane Turner

Abstract: Patient compulsively repeating words including L’s, K’s or D’s.

Diagnosis: Inconsonant

Treatment: Referred to the Freud Squad

END OF REPORT

Freud Squad - Psychiatrists

TPH-PAT-31Q9

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Hayley Sharpe

Patient: Mr Daniel Albright

Abstract: Patient presents no clear symptoms. Patient refuses to undergo diagnosis without Lawyer present. Attorney is known AC. Probable attempt at malpractice lawsuit.

Diagnosis: Diagnosis inconclusive. Patient referred for invasive bowel examination.

Treatment: TBD, subject to further diagnosis.

END OF REPORT

AC - Ambulance Chaser

TPH-PAT-37N3

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Samuel Coop

Patient: Mr Jeb Hill

Abstract: Patient insists government has implanted him with a ‘Mind Control Chip’. Examination of the patient’s posterior identified an integrated circuit embedded in the patients’ skin.

Diagnosis: Fell over in an electrical goods store

Treatment: Pair of pliers, plaster

END OF REPORT

TPH-PAT-99V7

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Madison Strange

Patient: Ms Cecelia Brown

Abstract: Patient describes fluttering feeling in abdomen. Auscultation identified regular mechanical ticking sound in chest cavity. No medical history of pacemaker. Patient recently underwent Surgery (Pipe Organs. See TPH-PAT-41Y5, Dr Leonard Walker attending physician).

Diagnosis: Positively Ticked Off

Treatment: Further surgery to recover retained item lodged in sternum (Dr Walkers Rolex)

END OF REPORT

TPH-PAT-62B9

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Martin Abrams

Patient: Her Royal Highness Princess Rose Windor of Canteberry

Abstract: Patient exhibits compulsive behaviour towards waving and asking any person they encounter ‘And what do you do?’

Diagnosis: Monarchism. Patient is convinced that they are a long-lost member of a long defunct royal line.

Treatment: Revolutionary Therapy

Treatment involves the subject being led onto a balcony overlooking the cheering masses of their subjects. Once the subject’s compulsion for waving has reached its peak the cheering masses are swiftly replaced by angry Republicans who force them to accept a Constitutional Monarchy.

END OF REPORT

TPH-PAT-49R1

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Amanda Proud

Patient: Mrs Maribelle Irish

Abstract: Symptoms of age-related illness observed. Patient placed under observation and palliative care in the Ward. Patient unresponsive during routine check-up. Multiple cups of cold tea identified on the patient’s bedside table.

Diagnosis: Tea Cooling Down revised to Cold Tea Syndrome

Treatment: BLFTN

END OF REPORT

Tea Cooling Down - Patient Dying

Cold Tea Syndrome - Patient Dead

BLFTN - Bit Late for That Now

TPH-PAT-28W9

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Abagail Wright

Patient: Mr Douglas Cobham

Abstract: Placed a pen torch in the patient’s mouth, and their whole head lit up.

Diagnosis: Pumpkin Positive

Treatment: Referred to Pharmacy for a skull hardener

END OF REPORT

TPH-PAT-21G5

Two Point Hospital - Patient Report

General Practitioner: Dr Nigel Shepard

Patient: Mr David Johnson

Abstract: Patient constantly writing sappy online Fanfictions

Diagnosis: Writer’s Unblock

Treatment: Patient sent Home, there’s no help for them now.

END OF REPORT


End file.
